Been Awhile....Merry Christmas

I just realized that it has been awhile since I last updated my blog. This month has been absolutely crazy and busy. I can't even tell you where the time went. Christmas time is crazy and it is hard to know where the time has gone.

For example, today was my day off and I had to take Landon to the ENT, where we had to wait for the doctor for 30mins for him to look in Landon's ears and say that he needs tubes again. That took a whole 2 minutes, but looks like we are going to have to put tubes in Landon's ears again and this time we are taking out his adenoids. It is a little more of a surgery then last time with the adenoids, which always scares you as a mother. He did so great the first time but this one is going to be harder on him then the last and that makes me hurt. I know that I went through the same thing as a child and don't really remember any of it, so I know it will hopefully only help him.

After we got done with the doctor we went to Walmart to buy stocking stuffers for Landon. I love that I can still shop with him this year because he doesn't really know that I am buying things for him, but next year we will have to get a baby sitter to shop. It is a part of life, the babies growing into adults, but a part of you wants them to stay young forever.

When we got home we played on his bouncer downstairs and hung out. Then it was time for his nap, which I have started to take part of with him. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE snuggling with him in his toddler bed for that little bit of time. He falls asleep much faster, it gives me snuggle time and I also get a small nap out of it. It has become a regular things for us and I can't help but cherish this time because there will be a time when he doesn't want me to snuggle with him.

That was just a regular day for us in this holiday season. We have spent a lot of time shopping and playing and enjoying our son. He is such a wonderful blessing from God and we hope to raise him to be a light in this world.

On the fertility front, we switched to Femara and on the low dose, I did not ovulate. So we did the progesterone on D30-35 and now just waiting on my "AF" (period), then the doctor decided to switch me back to Clomid. Welcome back mood swings.......But at least we know that Clomid does make me ovulate. We are doing one more cycle then planning to go up to KC to the RE and maybe do IUI (intrauterine insemination).

We were planning on getting me a secondary insurance but the quote was $250 per month, and that is for a reasonably healthy person whose only real problem is infertility. That is kind of sad, something is wrong with this system but I do know that socialized medicine is not the way to go either. We need to figure out something else out. So much for that idea.

The holiday season is another reason to reflect on what God did for us when He sent His son to Earth, what a wonderful blessing. I am thankful that I am saved and that Jesus was sent to Earth to die on the cross for my sins. He loves me, even when I do not deserve to be loved.

I hope and pray that everyone has a great Christmas. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ONE AND ALL.

Already 5 years married....where has the time gone??

This past weekend, Nate and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. It seems like yesterday I was walking down the aisle towards Nate. So much has happened in these past 5 years, some good and some bad but through all of it we have gotten stronger in our love and our relationship.

We were still young and naive about many things that life would present us, less jaded and more carefree. I say jaded, but that mainly seems to be my problem. My husband seems to be more easy going than me and that must be why we are such a good match. He has calmed me down and I have made him more organized. He is definitely my better half and I am his. God made us perfectly for each other, we still have our imperfections but with God with us we can make it through anything.

With all of our recent fertility struggles, I feel like we have grown towards each other and for that I am grateful. I know that there is a chance that I may still get pregnant with just the Femara or Clomid, but the struggle has definitely taken a toll on me. Mentally I have been through the depths of valley and have been continually learning my need to rely on God more and more.

I finally decided that I cannot do this alone and that I need to have backup and strength to help me fight this battle with less stress and more confidence. I recently went to a counselor, who is faith based counselor and I am working with her to help me learn ways to decrease my stress to hopefully help with our fertility. She is wonderful and has helped me release some of my resentment towards those who haven't been very supportive or sensitive to us while we have been on this journey. Instead of wishing ill will towards them, I am now working on praying and leaving it in God's capable hands to teach them empathy.

Don't get me wrong, we have had some wonderful friends who have been very sensitive to us and have been very open about what is going on in their lives and for that I am grateful. I just wish that everyone could be like that, but that is not how this world works. Satan is trying to find ways to make us fall and he will use anything he can, but I know that my God is stronger and will always win that fight.

I still need prayers but I know that I have some wonderful people in my corner and that makes this journey easier.

For our anniversary, Nate and I went to Chateau Avalon. I had heard many wonderful things about it, but was kind of disappointed for the price. I felt that for the $$ I could have done something else and gotten more out of it. Our room was very small and not at all what we had expected. The best thing about it was that it did give Nate and I some alone time to enjoy, so in that sense it was great. I was able to shop for myself without having a toddler racing in and out of the racks of clothing and laughing. I do admit that I missed that little giggling face but it is nice to shop and be able to look at what you are shopping for. Here is a picture of our room.

The bath was the best part of the room.

My parents watched Landon and when we got home Sunday morning, my dad had infiltrated my son and dressed him in all KU clothes. I do have to admit, he was adorable as always in his Jayhawk attire. Someday when he is old enough, he will have the choice over which Kansas team he will cheer for. I want it to be his choice, not mine for him.

Here he is......

Over Thanksgiving weekend, Nate decided to make french toast with Landon. Landon absolutely LOVED cooking with his Dad. It was adorable to watch. We even took video.

Until next time I leave you readers knowing that our God is an awesome God and He will provide us with what He knows is best for us, even if we don't understand His reasons.

Surprise Party! Now it's over I can come back to blogging.....

I am not very good at keeping secrets, so it was hard for me over the last two weeks not to talk about it. Especially when he was disappointed that I hadn't done anything for him the weekend before. But thanks to everyone who kept it a secret we were able to surprise him and it went off without a hitch.

Over the last two weeks, lots of stuff has happened as always. I do not know what to put in here because it has been two weeks. Landon has been getting better with speaking and it has been great. Speech Pathologist Cheri has been giving us helpful hints and the iPad has been helping also.

Here are some pictures of the past two weeks.

As this week begins, so begins another month of trying to have another child. We took last month off and finished taking progesterone to induce a cycle this month, so I will be starting Femara this week. I have always taken Clomid but have discussed with my doctor about seeing what would happen with the change. One of our friends who recently had her own little blessing after years of trying was on Femara, so maybe it will work for us too. I know that it is not just my part that has to work, Nate's does too so hopefully the next few months proves to be our time.

I know that God has a plan and I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that another child may not be in the cards for us. It does sadden me but at the same time, I know that God's plan is what is best for me and I need to live my life with that reflecting outwardly for others to see. I have found with time that and healing that when I see other pregnant women, I am not as saddened by it and I am starting to not focus on that. It is not perfect but it is getting closer, only with God's help.

To continue in the thankfulness that this month represents, I just want to thank my husband, my family and all of the my friends who have been very supportive of me throughout this struggle in my life. I know that some may have been hurt by me when I was in a bitter/angry stage of grieving and for that I am truly sorry. But I am very thankful to have supportive friends who will listen, not judge, and be there for me, even if they have not had to deal with the same struggles. Their unconditional support and love for me never ceases to amaze me. I hope that I can be that good of a friend to them also.

Until next time...

Thankfulness.....

As we saw October end and November begin, it is time to think about what this month is about Thanksgiving. Sometimes it is hard to remember to be thankful for things in our lives when there is something not going our way.

I have many things to be thankful for and am going to list some of them.

1) God and His love
2) My husband
3) Landon
4) My Parents
5) My In-Laws
6) My house
7) My Aunts and Uncles
8) Family
9) My Health
10) My families health
11) Friends
12) My job that I love
13) People that I work with
14) My sight
15) My hearing
16) My sense of smell
17) Being pain free
18) The beauty of the changing seasons (even though I complain about cold)
19) That I am able to get pregnant, and have been able to experience it
20) Vehicles that work

The last week has been FULL of fun activities for Landon as it was Halloween. Last year Landon did not really understand the idea of trick or treating, but this year he absolutely LOVED it. Most of the time he would go up to a porch and say "The Doo" instead of trick or treat because he loved being dressed as Scooby Doo.

We also made it to Boo at the Zoo on Saturday, along with the Collins Park Parade with our friend the Toomeys. By the end of those two things, Landon was POOPED. I think we had multiple melt downs. Here are some pictures of our Scooby

The last one was one of the melt downs in the Fire Truck following the parade.

Most of all, I am thankful that I am able to experience these milestones and events with my son. God has me on this planet for a reason and I am thankful for every minute of it. I hope to have many more years to come to watch him grow and show him God's love.

Until next time....

Start of Trick or Treating

This weekend was the start of our Trick or Treating this year. My plan was to re-use Landon's costume from last year, which was a Cowboy/Sheriff. On Saturday I decided to try it on Landon, he kept trying to take it off and broke down in tears. He would not stop crying.

I tried the costume again in the morning but got the same response. He kept saying "Dooo, Dooo". I finally realized that he must remember the Scooby Doo costume from Walmart, didn't realize a 2 yr old could remember that. So Sunday morning we went to Walmart and bought him the Scooby Doo costume. He smiled and seemed pleased.

He still wasn't the biggest fan of it until we got to Trunk or Treat at TBC Sunday night. He kept on his costume, even the hat, which is unusual for him. He went around the circle and even said "Trick or Treat" and "Thank You". He was very protective over his candy this year and would yell "NOOOOO" when I reached in to get him a piece of candy. It was actually pretty funny.

Here are some pictures of our adorable Scooby Doo......

We have been having a speech pathologist from TARC come out for the past few months to help Landon with his enunciation. Cheri is our s.p.'s name and she does a very good job with him. Landon's biggest problem being understood is that he starts words with vowels. Cheri advised us that M, P, and B are the foundation of when kids start talking. Landon can say Baby, Papa, Mamma, Dad, Nana and more words but when he tries to say Moo he states Boo. Cheri thinks it may be because he is trying to talk too fast. He is making progress and Cheri states that the best thing to do is Practice, Practice, Practice.

Cheri also tests his ears with a piece of equipment that the ENT used, but all it says is "refer" or "pass". Landon's left ear states "pass" but his right ear has stated "refer" twice now. If there is one thing that I do not want to do is pay for him to get tubes again, but if we have to, we have to.

On the pregnancy front, we are still in the holding pattern until next month (november). Dr. Gleason stated that he would do a pregnancy test on me at the beginning of the month and if it was negative he would start me on Provera to induce a cycle and then he would switch me to Femara. I am excited to start trying again since Nate's issue seems to be resolved. When we went and saw Dr. Chen last week, he stated that he had seen a jump in counts but never as big of a jump as Nate had. God definitely answered those prayers.

As we continue to on this journey I need prayers that I can be content with what God has given us and that we would still be content if our prayers to expand our family are not answered how we want them to be. God has a plan and I need to lean more on Him for peace and understanding. I think it is natural as part of our old sin nature to want to know the plan and to know it now. I pray that the nature would go away and that I could let God's plan play out and be happy for everyone else who is pregnant.

I had better go and enjoy the last of the beautiful days we are having until the cold sets in and stays.......

Playing in the Rain!!

Hello all, as the past few weeks have flown by I have continued to grieve and am now back to a healthy stage of grief. Landon has been very healing to have around and I am blessed to have him. I praise God for the blessings he has given me and I can even be okay with what he has not given me (maybe not thankful at this point, but I will be there someday).

Last week it rained only for a few brief minutes, but it was after I had picked Landon up from daycare so he was able to play out in it. Watching him reminded me of innocence, when playing in the rain didn't matter it was just fun. In the spring, I will make sure to take the time to actually go out in the rain and play with him. Here are some pictures.

This weekend was my brothers birthday and Maple Leaf Festival. When I first started going to Baker University, I had no clue that Maple Leaf even existed until one morning I looked outside and didn't even recognize the beautiful town. The campus is gorgeous this time of year and who doesn't love Arts and Crafts. There was a petting zoo at the Festival and that by far was Landon's favorite part. For $1, you could buy some food to feed the animals and Landon LOVED it even more. He feed the goats, sheep, llama's, camel and zebra. The smile on his face was priceless.

Those are the goings on in the Kaberline Family household this past week. I hope that everyone has had a good week also. Until next time.....

LETS PLAY!!!

As the rest of the week progressed and ended, so did my bad attitude. I still have anger towards having a miscarriage and all the other issues going on with our ultimate goal of giving Landon a sibling. At this point, Nate and I are going to take a break from trying and we will see where God leads us in our journey.

This weekend we had so much fun as a family. Saturday we went to the Kaberline's for dinner and Smores. Landon had so much fun roasting Marshmallows. It was a carefree evening. Here are some pictures of Landon roasting marshmallows and riding around via Aunt Em.

Then on Sunday after church we went to the park by the zoo with cousin Jackson. Landon loves spending time with Jackson. I remember playing on the same equipment growing up, and how much fun I had. Landon is still a little young but he enjoyed his time, especially riding on the train. We all sat in the same seat and everytime Nate's leg would get on Landon, Landon would push it off and say "No Daddy". He just smiled and enjoyed looking at all his surroundings. Here are some pictures.

The picture above is Landon calling for Jackson to come play.

It is healing to be able to see Landon and see him smile. It is very nice to know how much Landon loves to spend time with his Dad and Mom. Being 2 there are so many things that are new and interesting. It makes us as parents see things in a new light again, as we once did before we grew up. My continued prayer for my healing is that I can be content and blessed with having Landon in our lives until God see fit for us to add another member. I do not know what God is trying to teach us, but someday we will find out. On that note, have a great week.

Sorry for being absent, but just do not have the words....

Where to start? I haven't written on this blog because I haven't had anything good to share. With that said, only read ahead knowing that it is about my heartache and pain.

October 4th was my due date for a pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage. Needless to say, my due date has come and gone. We are not pregnant again and it doesn't look like we are going to be any time soon. I have many emotions that I am going through right now, but one is anger. This week has been a very hard week emotionally for me and for some it is hard to understand the emotions that have come with this week. If you have never lost a baby, it may be hard to understand. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is just listen, love them and hug them. There are things that cannot be fixed by words.

I do no think that you really ever get over the hurt that a miscarriage brings, it is just like the death of a loved one. You hurt for what could have been, for what isn't and for the loss.

Growing up, I never thought that having babies would be such work. You see lots of people who get pregnant and there doesn't seem to be much to it. Boy was I wrong and I have been dealing with that since before we conceived Landon, now we have had even more added to the plate.

I believe that we all deal with things differently and how one believes it should be handled isn't always the only way to handle things.

This week has been a very tough week. Today I was at Walmart and when I was ready to check out I went to an aisle that I thought would be good. When I came up to the cash register, I ran into a lady from my bible study group whom I believe that Lord put there because she was who I needed to see. I shared with her details of the week and she just said, "I am truly sorry and I will be praying for you". She ended the conversation with a hug and again told me she would pray for me. That was exactly what I needed at that time and I was starting to feel better. I am sick of people wanting to "fix" things with words or actions. Somethings just can't be fixed that way.

Well, I had better start to clean my house as we are having a friends graduation party here tomorrow and my house is dirty. Thanks for reading and sorry I didn't have anything uplifting to say. That is why I hadn't updated for a month, but I wanted to share.

One Year....

So it has been one year since I made the official move back to the Treatment Area to start giving chemotherapy again, post Landon. That also means it has been a year since we have been trying to have another baby. Only God knows why we are not any closer to having another baby. There have people who have questioned my move back into giving chemotherapy, but I love that part of my job and to think now, if I would have stayed in my other position I would be even more unhappy about the fact I am not pregnant.

On the 20th I ran my first 5K of the season in KC. My brother let Landon and I stay at his house overnight. Landon had bunches of fun hanging out with his Uncle and with Kara. We did not sleep very well, but that may have been due to the loud thunderstorm in the middle of the night. The morning of the 5K I let Landon sleep in and went to the race. It was a beautiful morning, 76 degrees, perfect weather for a 5K. My time was 27:20, which wasn't bad, but I hope to improve my time.

On a lighter note, I have been busy trying to decorate Landon's room finally (after 2 years). Since he loves baseball, basketball, footballs and soccer balls, I decided to decorate his room in sports. When we decided on Landon's name a little over a few years ago, we bought him white letters that we were going to paint. Needless to say, we have never painted them or even hung them.

On Saturday, my mom and I went to Hobby Lobby and found a bunch of sport metal wall decal things. I also looked at fabric there to see about covering the letters, plus some embelishments. I bought the metal wall hanging, but not the fabtic. After looking at Hobby Lobby and JoAnn's Fabric, I decided to buy fabric and cover the letters. I did that today and we HUNG them in his room. Here is the picture.....

I will post more pictures after we finish decorating.

I also decided to start Landon's scrapbook, which means that I am about 2.5yrs behind. It will take awhile but I have it set up and plan on working on it as much as I can to keep it up-to-date.

Unexpected Day Off :)

Hello all, I am writing this because I unexpectedly got today off and thought I would use it to update my blog. I have not been very good about updating over the last month because it has been a crazy summer trying to keep up with a 2 year old.

Since I started this blog, I feel like I have grown in many ways concerning my miscarriage and infertility. It has been a very trying year since we started trying to conceive another miracle. I will be the first to admit that when I was pregnant with Landon, I did not relish in hearing his little heartbeat everytime that I heard it. If God provides me with another chance, I will probably get misty eyed every time I hear the heartbeat.

As I think about it now, it was a miracle that grew in my belly and I did not think of it as such until recently. We have been blessed by having Landon in our lives, but we do continue hoping for another miracle. Over these past few month and through this journey, I have shed many tears but I feel like this has helped the healing process.

At family camp, they played videos by James McDonald about trials. It helped me more than anything else has over these past few months. Everyone has trials, but it is how we rely on God through these trials that really matters.

I write about this because I feel like there are not many people that talk aabout the difficulty of trying to conceive. All you hear about are the success stories not the depressing stories. I feel more empowered by my fertility/infertility now than depressed by it and that is why I have decided to share our struggles.

I do have many friend and people I know that are pregnant and even though I am very excited for all of them, I do shed a few tears about where I am at in the journey. It is nothing personal against anyone who is pregnant because I know that this is what God wants for them. I still pray that it is what God wants for me also.

On a lighter note, today I got to spend a wonderful day with Landon. We went to the mall and went shopping for some winter clothes for him. He did absolutely wonderful so we went to the play area for awhile and even went to McDonald's for a happy meal.

Here he is playing on the pig in the play area. He was adorable and loved the pig, it was the only thing he wanted to play on.

Here he is riding the train that he wanted to ride really bad, until it started.

I love having extra days off to spend with the little guy and am truly blessed to have him in my life. I hope in time to be able to provide a sibling for him, but that will have to be in God's time. Thanks for tuning in for an update.

Family Camp

Over the last week, we went to Family Camp with TBC. For those of you who do not attend TBC, Family Camp takes place at New Life Ranch in Oklahoma and it is 4 days of family filled fun. We have 2 sessions of Chapel, 3 meals throughout the day and during the hottest hours (1pm to 5pm) water time.

This was Landon's first time to attend. I attended for 4 years when I was younger and since Nate and I have been together, 3 years. Landon had a BLAST with his cousin Jackson and the rest of the Kaberline family, including Lynette. We all shared a room, 11 people, including 2 kids under the age of 3. Thankfully for nap time, my husband rigged up the empty mats to "black out" the room. The boys both slept great and we were able to leave them in the room and spend time in the water, since it was 100 or more most afternoons.

Here are some pictures.....

This is a picture of the family before leaving

Landon not enjoying chapel as much as we did

Landon having fun with the noodles during gym/game time

Landon and Daddy snuggling in the morning

The boys playing in the water fountain outside of chapel

Landon playing with the rope from the lifesaver at the waterfront

It was a great time but we are glad to be home. Landon is exhausted after a fun weekend so it is great for him to be in his own bed. Now, time for bed so we can return to work tomorrow.....

Crazy Week

Been awhile since I have posted and lots of things have happened. This week went by in a blurr, where to start. Thursday night we wrapped up our Chick Chat group by having dinner at Jose Peppers. It was a great way to finish our chick chat group, we didn't have all of the girls who came but most of them.

Then friday night came and I got to hang out with two of my best girlfriends, Ashley and Dara. Dara was in town from Wichita to plan her sisters baby shower. It was a wonderful evening of catching up and a much needed time with the girls. It was like I see Dara everyday and she let me vent and talk about all my issues. I have always said that my friends don't have fertility issues, which they do not, but it was very nice to have and know that my friends do want to know more about it. They will not judge me or tell me that I shouldn't talk about the fertility issues we have. Most of the time it seems like once I start talking about fertility issues walls come up. Dara and Ashley both have let me talk about it without judgement, along with other friends and I will be forever grateful to them.

Then Saturday morning my mother, husband, son and I went shopping in Lawrence. I was finally able to find some new shirts to wear because Topeka did not have anything I wanted.

Saturday afternoon, it all the sudden got really hot and this was the time that my father was going to run in the Warrior Dash. He is in great shape and works outside in the heat every weekend and runs a lot of evenings in the heat. I was not really worried about him, but at almost 4:45 my mom called me and said that Dad passed out at the finish line and that she should go up. I immediately hopped in the car and went to my parents house to go up to KC with my mom. Walking into the ER and seeing my Dad was very hard. He had suffered from heat stroke and was still very out of it when we showed up. Thankfully the EMT's responded very quickly with the ice and the IV fluids that he came around very quickly. It was scary to see him like that though, he is my father and I don't want to loose him, not yet.

When we were up in KC, there was a 28yr old and 31 year old who had also suffered heat stroke that day (along with >9 other; When my parents were checking out this morning, they were told that the 28yr looked like he was not going to make it. They were supposed to do the Warrior Dash again today, but thankfully they cancelled it due to the heat. It is crazy to me that you can go into this event and never go home. Sad, but I feel very blessed that my father is doind good, still has a bit of a road to recovery but God was watching out for him yesterday.

Until next time, I hope that the everything finds all of you well.

Swimming Lessons End........

Friday was the last day of swimming lessons and he had quite the on-lookers.  His Nana and Papa and his Dad.  He screamed a little more than he had all week but he is doing pretty good.  He still thinks that blowing bubbles in the water equates to sticking your tongue out into the water.  They want the kids to move their arms and legs together, which can take until the age of 5 to master.  Landon for sure mastered the kicking portion because that is all he wanted to do, especially if it involves splashing others. 

Here are some pictures.....

Here he is kicking when he wasn't supposed to, but at least he was kicking

Here he is trying to "blow bubbles"

Going off the diving board

Here he is getting out of the water, his favorite thing

Getting his treats from his teachers

It was bittersweet, but we will continue practicing until next year.  He has gotten better with the water, but still has a ways to go.

On another note, today's message at church was about People Pleasing and I could not help but to think about it's implications in my own life.  I have always been a people pleaser, never wanting to cause drama or a rift.  I feel like I have gotten better about this thanks to my husband but at times he can be a people pleaser.  What I need to do is to focus on who I really should be pleasing, God.  That is all that matters in the end.  I will always need to work on this, but at least I have a new direction.

Until next time......

Been Awhile...Time for another update

My birthday was on Monday and this weekend was filled with activities.  After date night on Saturday, we decided with the heat, how better to beat the heat then to go to the POOL!  On sunday, after my mother-in-law cooked me a wonderul lunch, we went to Shawnee North, which has a wonderful kiddy pool.  Landon just ran around and loved it.   Needless to say, Landons nap was a little late.  That evening we went to my parents for my birthday dinner there :) 

On Monday, I got to spend the entire day with Landon and most of the morning with my mother.  Exactly what I wanted on my birthday.  My parents even bought me new running shoes for my birthday!  Perfect present for my last year in my 20's.

Landon's last day of swimming lessons are tomorrow, the two weeks have flown by.  Landon has gotten better with the water, but he is still afraid to go under further than the bottom of his ears.  Baby steps, that is what I have to keep telling myself.  Baby steps, baby steps..............At least he has stopped screaming throughout the whole lessons.  Another good present for my birthday.

Life has been stressful, so for those of you reading these, if you could just pray for peace and God's will for our lives that would be much appreciated.  My husband and I are doing great.  Life doesn't always run the path we all would choose and sometimes bad things occur.

Birthday weekend!!!!

Even though my birthday is not until Monday, I have decided to take the whole weekend to celebrate.  When I am talking about celebrating, it is not going out and getting drunk but hanging out with friends and family.  It is funny what you consider a good time once you get married and start a family.  I am glad to have given up partying and taken up a toddler and that crazy life-style.

So far this weekend, Landon and I went to McDonalds for dinner last night, he loves chicken nuggets.  After that we went to Daddy's volleyball game, which was cancelled.  So instead we got to play in the sand, which has become a new favorite after being afraid of it for so long (thanks Nana for helping). Then we went and saw some real live horses at Aunt Katie's work and then onto Dairy Queen. Here are some pictures of our celebration.

Here we are at McDonald's

The nasty trashcan seemed like a good enough play toy

Grandpa Kaberline messing with Landon

This morning we went to Nana's for breakfast, biscuits and gravy.  It was amazing, thanks Nana.  Following breakfast we went over to Cafe Holiday to meet Kara (my brothers girlfriend) for a birthday lunch.  Landon LOVES Kara and was running all over the cafe, a little hyperactive.  He was having so much fun, so afterwards we went across the street to play on the play equipment.

Chocolate milk and biscuits and gravy.

Playing on the playground

Now tonight, dinner and a movie with my hubby.  Nana and Papa will be babysitting for us.  Date night, first one in a month.

Apologies

I want to start this post by apologizing to those that my infertility post may have offended.  I have just been overloaded with pregnant people since my miscarriage and I need to vent sometimes.  It was not my intent to offend or hurt any of my friends or family who are pregnant.  I am truly excited for you, but you have to understand that I am hurting and dealing with my loss.  I have up days and I have down days.  I know that the Lord is teaching things, mainly patience through this.  I have learned many lessons through this miscarriage and trials.  I have had many girls contact me and give me words of encouragement and share their stories with me.

I am sad to say that swimming lessons have not been going as good as the first day went.  Tonight my mother took Landon to swimming lessons because of family issues.  She said that he screamed from the moment he got into the water until he got out.  He did the same thing for me yesterday also.  I hope that it gets better but it probably won't. 

When we show up to swimming lessons he has a smile on his face and screams, "POOL" and runs towards it.  But screams when it is time to get in.  When we leave, he again smiles and says "Bye pool".  I do not know how to make it better.  It makes me smile to think about, toddlers :)

Landon has brought Nate and I so much joy and life could be so different without him.  But everyday is an adventure and that is what is so great about having a toddler.  He smiles at the simpliest things.  For example, his favorite game to play it putting a blanket over his head and running around, hitting everything.  Why a blanket is a favorite, I do not know but I love it :)  I thank God everyday for Landon, even at swimming lessons when he is the only child screaming.

I hope that this post finds everyone well.

Reproductive Endocrinologist

Today was my appointment with the RE, Dr. Stewart in Kansas City.  I was nervous and excited to see a specialist in reproductive medicine.  My mother was nice enough to come to the appointment with me.  Going into the appointment I knew that what Dr. Gleason had been doing had been working with me to get pregnant, but I wanted to know what the best treatment options were for me when I was no longer interested in getting pregnant.

Currently I am taking Clomid to "trick" my mind into making my ovaries produce eggs, in Dr. Stewart's words.  Since I am in the middle of a cycle prescribed my Dr. Gleason, they stated that my insurance may not consider it a consultation :( and that the visit may not be covered.  Insurance companies can be a little ridiculous if you ask me, but back to the appointment.

Dr. Stewart advised me that each month, when you ovulate, you only have a 9% chance of getting pregnant.  It is a miracle that anyone ever gets pregnant, but we all know it happens.  He made PCOS sound very simple and I guess in the long run, it is a very simple form of infertility to treat compared to other forms. I feel like he put my mind at ease.  Since I am on CD 15, he advised me that he would do an ultrasound and tell me when I would ovulate.  It is not covered by insurance but for peace of mind and to know when I would ovulate, we went ahead and did it.  I have never know when I ovulate and with PCOS it can be hard to know.  I feel like this gave me a peace also. 

God has a plan for all of us and He knows what is best for us.  He is teaching me a lesson in patience and humility that I need to learn.  I have been very blessed with Landon and every day I just stare in wonder at Landon and love him even more.

Through this blog, I have already received support that I would never have known about and am thankful that God lead me to start this.  I pray that through my struggles and trials that God will use me for His will.  There are many girls out there that deal with for many years and most people do not even know that they do. 

On a lighter note, when we got home and Landon and I were hanging out.  He started straining and I asked him, are you pooping?  He looked straight and me, smiled and stated loudly, "NO."  But I decided to check his diaper and in there laid a nice pile of poop :)  So funny

Swimming lessons begin......

So tonight was the first night of swimming lessons.  Landon basically wanted to sit on the side of the pool and kick in the water.  Bue he did get in and kicked his legs on his back and stomach.  He was not a big fan of blowing bubbles or moving his arms, but he would kick and kick.  I told him if he was good that we would go to Sonic afterwards, may have to be a nightly thing during swimming lessons.

At the end of lessons, he got to play and all he wanted was the thermometer that was in the shape of a car.  So being the good mother I am, I bribed him to go jump of the diving board by telling him that he could play with the car if he did it.  He got very determined at that point, marched up to the diving board and let the swim teachers "jump" him off the diving board.  He then proceeded to tear the car thermometer off of the pool and throw it in.  We apologized and left, but we will be back daily for 2 weeks.  I hope to see improvement.  Here is a picture of him with his slush afterwards.

Loving him some Grape slush

Tomorrow is my first appointment with the reproductive specialist.  I will update again after that appointment.

Infertility Vent

I wasn't planning on writing today but I have to say that when you struggle with infertility, FB will make those challenges even worse.  I never thought about all the posts about pregnancy until I was face with infertility issues.  Every time that I get onto facebook and see post about happy pregnancies, I just get even more frustrated.   I do not care that your baby is the size of a pea or whatever size it is.  I am happy for you that you are pregnant but all the other posts seem like a slap in my face since I have a HARD time getting pregnant.  I know that this should not matter because God will provide in His time, but it is hard to wait.

Going through this experience has definitely made me more sensitive about posts on FB and all other areas of life.  I know God has a plan for my family and He will provide.

Sorry I had to vent about infertility.  I do not know who is reading this but I needed to get this off my chest.

Frickey Wedding

Here goes my second post, two in one day!!  Big time Blogger

This evening we went to my cousins wedding in the camp grounds, Travis and Doreen.  It was a simple ceremony and filled with tie dye.  Here are some pictures

The bride

Their first kiss as man and wife

The wedding party

The Play Area at the Camp Grounds.  Landon could not wait to play on this.

We had some good times

He LOVED the slide!!

We had some bad time also.  He was very sad that Dad took his marker away :(

We enjoyed ourselves and Landon loved to play on the play equipment.  There was a very steep slide there at the very top.  Landon of course wanted to go up to the VERY top and go down the steepest slide there, again and again.  It wasn't too bad for Landon because he doesn't go down the slide very fast.  He hasn't figured out that the best way to go down the slide is to lean back.

They had a board there for all of us to sign, and they provided many different colors of permanent markers.  Landon is at a stage where he love to write on paper, so Nana gave him a piece of paper to color on and Daddy gave him a marker.  The marker ended up on Landon's shirt.  Needless to say, it is soaking now and hopefully the marker will come out.

Congrats to Travis and Doreen Frickey!!  May you have many years of blessings and happiness.  You two are a very good fit and I am glad that you found each other.