Already 5 years married....where has the time gone??

This past weekend, Nate and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. It seems like yesterday I was walking down the aisle towards Nate. So much has happened in these past 5 years, some good and some bad but through all of it we have gotten stronger in our love and our relationship.

We were still young and naive about many things that life would present us, less jaded and more carefree. I say jaded, but that mainly seems to be my problem. My husband seems to be more easy going than me and that must be why we are such a good match. He has calmed me down and I have made him more organized. He is definitely my better half and I am his. God made us perfectly for each other, we still have our imperfections but with God with us we can make it through anything.

With all of our recent fertility struggles, I feel like we have grown towards each other and for that I am grateful. I know that there is a chance that I may still get pregnant with just the Femara or Clomid, but the struggle has definitely taken a toll on me. Mentally I have been through the depths of valley and have been continually learning my need to rely on God more and more.

I finally decided that I cannot do this alone and that I need to have backup and strength to help me fight this battle with less stress and more confidence. I recently went to a counselor, who is faith based counselor and I am working with her to help me learn ways to decrease my stress to hopefully help with our fertility. She is wonderful and has helped me release some of my resentment towards those who haven't been very supportive or sensitive to us while we have been on this journey. Instead of wishing ill will towards them, I am now working on praying and leaving it in God's capable hands to teach them empathy.

Don't get me wrong, we have had some wonderful friends who have been very sensitive to us and have been very open about what is going on in their lives and for that I am grateful. I just wish that everyone could be like that, but that is not how this world works. Satan is trying to find ways to make us fall and he will use anything he can, but I know that my God is stronger and will always win that fight.

I still need prayers but I know that I have some wonderful people in my corner and that makes this journey easier.

For our anniversary, Nate and I went to Chateau Avalon. I had heard many wonderful things about it, but was kind of disappointed for the price. I felt that for the $$ I could have done something else and gotten more out of it. Our room was very small and not at all what we had expected. The best thing about it was that it did give Nate and I some alone time to enjoy, so in that sense it was great. I was able to shop for myself without having a toddler racing in and out of the racks of clothing and laughing. I do admit that I missed that little giggling face but it is nice to shop and be able to look at what you are shopping for. Here is a picture of our room.

The bath was the best part of the room.

My parents watched Landon and when we got home Sunday morning, my dad had infiltrated my son and dressed him in all KU clothes. I do have to admit, he was adorable as always in his Jayhawk attire. Someday when he is old enough, he will have the choice over which Kansas team he will cheer for. I want it to be his choice, not mine for him.

Here he is......

Over Thanksgiving weekend, Nate decided to make french toast with Landon. Landon absolutely LOVED cooking with his Dad. It was adorable to watch. We even took video.

Until next time I leave you readers knowing that our God is an awesome God and He will provide us with what He knows is best for us, even if we don't understand His reasons.

Surprise Party! Now it's over I can come back to blogging.....

I am not very good at keeping secrets, so it was hard for me over the last two weeks not to talk about it. Especially when he was disappointed that I hadn't done anything for him the weekend before. But thanks to everyone who kept it a secret we were able to surprise him and it went off without a hitch.

Over the last two weeks, lots of stuff has happened as always. I do not know what to put in here because it has been two weeks. Landon has been getting better with speaking and it has been great. Speech Pathologist Cheri has been giving us helpful hints and the iPad has been helping also.

Here are some pictures of the past two weeks.

As this week begins, so begins another month of trying to have another child. We took last month off and finished taking progesterone to induce a cycle this month, so I will be starting Femara this week. I have always taken Clomid but have discussed with my doctor about seeing what would happen with the change. One of our friends who recently had her own little blessing after years of trying was on Femara, so maybe it will work for us too. I know that it is not just my part that has to work, Nate's does too so hopefully the next few months proves to be our time.

I know that God has a plan and I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that another child may not be in the cards for us. It does sadden me but at the same time, I know that God's plan is what is best for me and I need to live my life with that reflecting outwardly for others to see. I have found with time that and healing that when I see other pregnant women, I am not as saddened by it and I am starting to not focus on that. It is not perfect but it is getting closer, only with God's help.

To continue in the thankfulness that this month represents, I just want to thank my husband, my family and all of the my friends who have been very supportive of me throughout this struggle in my life. I know that some may have been hurt by me when I was in a bitter/angry stage of grieving and for that I am truly sorry. But I am very thankful to have supportive friends who will listen, not judge, and be there for me, even if they have not had to deal with the same struggles. Their unconditional support and love for me never ceases to amaze me. I hope that I can be that good of a friend to them also.

Until next time...

Thankfulness.....

As we saw October end and November begin, it is time to think about what this month is about Thanksgiving. Sometimes it is hard to remember to be thankful for things in our lives when there is something not going our way.

I have many things to be thankful for and am going to list some of them.

1) God and His love
2) My husband
3) Landon
4) My Parents
5) My In-Laws
6) My house
7) My Aunts and Uncles
8) Family
9) My Health
10) My families health
11) Friends
12) My job that I love
13) People that I work with
14) My sight
15) My hearing
16) My sense of smell
17) Being pain free
18) The beauty of the changing seasons (even though I complain about cold)
19) That I am able to get pregnant, and have been able to experience it
20) Vehicles that work

The last week has been FULL of fun activities for Landon as it was Halloween. Last year Landon did not really understand the idea of trick or treating, but this year he absolutely LOVED it. Most of the time he would go up to a porch and say "The Doo" instead of trick or treat because he loved being dressed as Scooby Doo.

We also made it to Boo at the Zoo on Saturday, along with the Collins Park Parade with our friend the Toomeys. By the end of those two things, Landon was POOPED. I think we had multiple melt downs. Here are some pictures of our Scooby

The last one was one of the melt downs in the Fire Truck following the parade.

Most of all, I am thankful that I am able to experience these milestones and events with my son. God has me on this planet for a reason and I am thankful for every minute of it. I hope to have many more years to come to watch him grow and show him God's love.

Until next time....

Start of Trick or Treating

This weekend was the start of our Trick or Treating this year. My plan was to re-use Landon's costume from last year, which was a Cowboy/Sheriff. On Saturday I decided to try it on Landon, he kept trying to take it off and broke down in tears. He would not stop crying.

I tried the costume again in the morning but got the same response. He kept saying "Dooo, Dooo". I finally realized that he must remember the Scooby Doo costume from Walmart, didn't realize a 2 yr old could remember that. So Sunday morning we went to Walmart and bought him the Scooby Doo costume. He smiled and seemed pleased.

He still wasn't the biggest fan of it until we got to Trunk or Treat at TBC Sunday night. He kept on his costume, even the hat, which is unusual for him. He went around the circle and even said "Trick or Treat" and "Thank You". He was very protective over his candy this year and would yell "NOOOOO" when I reached in to get him a piece of candy. It was actually pretty funny.

Here are some pictures of our adorable Scooby Doo......

We have been having a speech pathologist from TARC come out for the past few months to help Landon with his enunciation. Cheri is our s.p.'s name and she does a very good job with him. Landon's biggest problem being understood is that he starts words with vowels. Cheri advised us that M, P, and B are the foundation of when kids start talking. Landon can say Baby, Papa, Mamma, Dad, Nana and more words but when he tries to say Moo he states Boo. Cheri thinks it may be because he is trying to talk too fast. He is making progress and Cheri states that the best thing to do is Practice, Practice, Practice.

Cheri also tests his ears with a piece of equipment that the ENT used, but all it says is "refer" or "pass". Landon's left ear states "pass" but his right ear has stated "refer" twice now. If there is one thing that I do not want to do is pay for him to get tubes again, but if we have to, we have to.

On the pregnancy front, we are still in the holding pattern until next month (november). Dr. Gleason stated that he would do a pregnancy test on me at the beginning of the month and if it was negative he would start me on Provera to induce a cycle and then he would switch me to Femara. I am excited to start trying again since Nate's issue seems to be resolved. When we went and saw Dr. Chen last week, he stated that he had seen a jump in counts but never as big of a jump as Nate had. God definitely answered those prayers.

As we continue to on this journey I need prayers that I can be content with what God has given us and that we would still be content if our prayers to expand our family are not answered how we want them to be. God has a plan and I need to lean more on Him for peace and understanding. I think it is natural as part of our old sin nature to want to know the plan and to know it now. I pray that the nature would go away and that I could let God's plan play out and be happy for everyone else who is pregnant.

I had better go and enjoy the last of the beautiful days we are having until the cold sets in and stays.......

Playing in the Rain!!

Hello all, as the past few weeks have flown by I have continued to grieve and am now back to a healthy stage of grief. Landon has been very healing to have around and I am blessed to have him. I praise God for the blessings he has given me and I can even be okay with what he has not given me (maybe not thankful at this point, but I will be there someday).

Last week it rained only for a few brief minutes, but it was after I had picked Landon up from daycare so he was able to play out in it. Watching him reminded me of innocence, when playing in the rain didn't matter it was just fun. In the spring, I will make sure to take the time to actually go out in the rain and play with him. Here are some pictures.

This weekend was my brothers birthday and Maple Leaf Festival. When I first started going to Baker University, I had no clue that Maple Leaf even existed until one morning I looked outside and didn't even recognize the beautiful town. The campus is gorgeous this time of year and who doesn't love Arts and Crafts. There was a petting zoo at the Festival and that by far was Landon's favorite part. For $1, you could buy some food to feed the animals and Landon LOVED it even more. He feed the goats, sheep, llama's, camel and zebra. The smile on his face was priceless.

Those are the goings on in the Kaberline Family household this past week. I hope that everyone has had a good week also. Until next time.....

LETS PLAY!!!

As the rest of the week progressed and ended, so did my bad attitude. I still have anger towards having a miscarriage and all the other issues going on with our ultimate goal of giving Landon a sibling. At this point, Nate and I are going to take a break from trying and we will see where God leads us in our journey.

This weekend we had so much fun as a family. Saturday we went to the Kaberline's for dinner and Smores. Landon had so much fun roasting Marshmallows. It was a carefree evening. Here are some pictures of Landon roasting marshmallows and riding around via Aunt Em.

Then on Sunday after church we went to the park by the zoo with cousin Jackson. Landon loves spending time with Jackson. I remember playing on the same equipment growing up, and how much fun I had. Landon is still a little young but he enjoyed his time, especially riding on the train. We all sat in the same seat and everytime Nate's leg would get on Landon, Landon would push it off and say "No Daddy". He just smiled and enjoyed looking at all his surroundings. Here are some pictures.

The picture above is Landon calling for Jackson to come play.

It is healing to be able to see Landon and see him smile. It is very nice to know how much Landon loves to spend time with his Dad and Mom. Being 2 there are so many things that are new and interesting. It makes us as parents see things in a new light again, as we once did before we grew up. My continued prayer for my healing is that I can be content and blessed with having Landon in our lives until God see fit for us to add another member. I do not know what God is trying to teach us, but someday we will find out. On that note, have a great week.

Sorry for being absent, but just do not have the words....

Where to start? I haven't written on this blog because I haven't had anything good to share. With that said, only read ahead knowing that it is about my heartache and pain.

October 4th was my due date for a pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage. Needless to say, my due date has come and gone. We are not pregnant again and it doesn't look like we are going to be any time soon. I have many emotions that I am going through right now, but one is anger. This week has been a very hard week emotionally for me and for some it is hard to understand the emotions that have come with this week. If you have never lost a baby, it may be hard to understand. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is just listen, love them and hug them. There are things that cannot be fixed by words.

I do no think that you really ever get over the hurt that a miscarriage brings, it is just like the death of a loved one. You hurt for what could have been, for what isn't and for the loss.

Growing up, I never thought that having babies would be such work. You see lots of people who get pregnant and there doesn't seem to be much to it. Boy was I wrong and I have been dealing with that since before we conceived Landon, now we have had even more added to the plate.

I believe that we all deal with things differently and how one believes it should be handled isn't always the only way to handle things.

This week has been a very tough week. Today I was at Walmart and when I was ready to check out I went to an aisle that I thought would be good. When I came up to the cash register, I ran into a lady from my bible study group whom I believe that Lord put there because she was who I needed to see. I shared with her details of the week and she just said, "I am truly sorry and I will be praying for you". She ended the conversation with a hug and again told me she would pray for me. That was exactly what I needed at that time and I was starting to feel better. I am sick of people wanting to "fix" things with words or actions. Somethings just can't be fixed that way.

Well, I had better start to clean my house as we are having a friends graduation party here tomorrow and my house is dirty. Thanks for reading and sorry I didn't have anything uplifting to say. That is why I hadn't updated for a month, but I wanted to share.