Announcement

Nate, Landon and I have an announcement to make.  We are expecting our second and are 14 weeks along!!

I have had a hard time with making this announcement but want our friends and family to know.  We are very excited but at the same time still cautious after our long journey.  We have put this in God's hands and know that this is His will for us at this time in our life.

We are due May 25th, two days prior to Landon turning 4.  This has been a long journey for our family and we are thankful for the support we have encountered along the way.  We have shed many tears and have grown along the way, which ultimately we are better for.

Landon is excited but doesn't exactly understand what a new addition will do to change his life.  I know that he will love his sibling and that there will be fights and time of love.  As with any siblings, but we are very blessed that Landon will be able to have a sibling to journey through this life.

God works in mysterious ways

Yesterday I received this blog/quiet time and it hit home.  I wanted to share it with others.  It can apply to many different parts of our lives, including your own personal struggles.  As we have gone through our personal struggle of infertility, it has definitely been difficult not to get bitter.  Not to say that I haven't been bitter at times, because I have, but with God we have become stronger.  Not only as a couple, but individually.  I know that I myself have grown closer in my relationship with God.  I know that when I pray He hears me and answers me, not always what I want to hear but He does answer. Saturday, September 22, 2012

Don't Give Up: Refuse to Be Bitter by Rick Warren

“Job said, ‘I came naked from my mother's womb and I shall have nothing when I die. The Lord gave me everything I had, and they were his to take away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!’ In all of this Job did not sin by blaming God.” (Job 1:21-22 LB) Grief is a part of life, but you can’t let a season of grief turn into a lifestyle of grief. At some point you have to let it go! There is a difference between mourning and moaning, weeping and wallowing. A loss can deepen me, but that doesn’t mean it can define me. A loss is a part of my maturity but not my identity. God gives you grace to get through what you’re going through. Others don’t get that grace, so they may give you bad advice! “Job’s wife said to him, ‘Are you still trying to maintain your integrity? Curse God and die.’ But Job replied, ‘You talk like a godless woman. Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?’ So in all this, Job said nothing wrong” (Job 2:9-10 NLT). Job refused to become bitter and resentful. Bitterness prolongs pain. It doesn’t relieve it; it only reinforces it. “Watch out that no bitterness takes root among you ... it causes deep trouble, hurting many in their spiritual lives” (Hebrews 12:15 LB). Job gives three steps in refocusing: 1. Put your heart right. That means you forgive. “But I can't forgive!” you say. That's why you need Christ in your life; he'll give you the power to forgive. 2. Reach out to God. Ask him to come into your heart and heal those wounds and help you and give you strength and power for tomorrow, next week, next month. 3. Face the world again, firm and courageous. Many people, when they're hurt, withdraw into a shell. They say, “I'll never let anybody hurt me again!” They retire from life. Job says to do the exact opposite: Resume your life; don’t retire from it. Get back out there in the world.  There's a happy ending to Job's life. “The Lord blessed the last part of Job's life even more than he had blessed the first” (Job 42:12a GNT). Job went through all this hurt, but, in spite of that, God blessed the last part of his life even more than he had the first. Wouldn't you like the same in your life? Say, “God, I don't care whether I have five years or 50 years left. Would you bless the last part of my life more than the first part?”  The lesson of Job's life is this: It doesn't matter who's hurt you or how long you've been hurt or how deeply you've been hurt. God can make the rest of your life the best of your life if you're willing to forgive and let go of resentment and release the offender. Talk About It In grief, why do you think it’s easier for us to draw into ourselves rather than be with the people who will help us move forward? What do you want God to help you accomplish in the rest of your life? What do you need to let go of so that he can work fully through you? God has definitely worked in our lives mysteriously over the past 2 years of this journey, He has answered prayers in clear precise ways and He continues to answer them. In our church we are currently working on going through the new testament by the first of next year.  What a wonderful challenge for anyone, daily reading of the Bible and reading it all the way through.  Most of us have not ever done that, even if we did grow up in the church.  I know that I did not do that, but it is something that I would like to do with our children (God willing) as they grow up. I hope to continue to update this blog at more regular intervals now, but no promises.

Back from Florida

After a week in Florida, I came back feeling very relaxed and with a wonderful glow. I always seem to forget how having a tan can make you feel and look during the winter. I love the tanned look, not enough to tan in a tanning booth though.

I was scared about the plane ride, but thanks to the iPad we had a very happy boy who watched Scooby Doo almost the whole plane right. He did not like the seat belts or the head phones, he did warm up to the head phones but not really to the seat belt.

Landon started off the week unsure of the water, the waves can be pretty scary to a 2 year old. The first day he avoided the water, but by the second day he walked up and down the beach and played in the water. He did not venture very far into the water but he did become more comfortably. I was very proud of him. Here are some of the pictures of our first few days there.

This picture is the first day, he hated the water

This was the second day, he warmed up to the water.


Wednesday we decided to go to Sea World since we were so close. Wednesday also happened to be the day that was cloudy, so it worked out pretty well. We started with the Whale show, a dolphin and sea lion show. Landon's attention span came and went, but for not having a nap he did exceptionally well. We did "bribe" him by buying him a shark and penguin to play with and make him happy, it worked very well. He entertained himself very well for the rest of the trip with those. Landon also got to pet a dragon lizard and touch a sting ray while there. He didn't like the sting rays at all, but he was okay with the lizard. New experiences.

The rest of the week went by really fast, as it seems all vacations do. On our last night we went to a shopping center that had an "alligator farm" in it and Landon loved the alligators and even got to pet one.

Landon did well the rest of the vacation, and come the last day he kept pointing at our house we stayed in saying "I stay, I stay here". It was adorable and sad at the same time, we wanted to stay also but needed to come home. He did even better on the plane trip home, which was a blessing.

This is a picture of the 2 families on the beach on our last day

Landon fell asleep on the plane ride home.


Saturday we came home and went to Grandma and Grandpa Kaberline's for Wanda's birthday dinner, Landon was very tired and he ended up burning his hand and running into a tree. Bad night but fun family time.

Sunday, we went to the circus which was fun and a good experience for Landon. I hope to go again next year. As we were walking up to buy our tickets for the circus, a nice lady came up to us and gave us 2 free tickets. It was such a blessing to get those tickets, and seemed to mean that we were meant to go to the circus.

Then monday came and I got the stomach flu, which was horrible and left me very weak. So I ended up having to call in on Tuesday because I was weak and still had some stomach cramps. I hadn't had the stomach flu since I was 14 weeks pregnant with Landon, do not know how I have gotten away with that but I will not complain.

The rest of the week has been a blur and here I am, updating the blog late at night and pouring out all our adventures. Hope everyone can keep up with the ramblings.

Time for vacation.....

We are heading to Florida for a week family vacation. Actually, Nate has a roofing expo but we get to go along. It will be great to get away. The only hiccup is that I have a horrible cold/cough that Landon shared. I am hoping to get better soon so I can enjoy this vacation. I love taking a vacation, but I always get stressed prior to leaving making sure that everything is in order. Thankfully Nate is getting better about helping in those preparations so hopefully I will get less stressed.

On Monday we went and had our first IUI. It was amazingly simple. Nate went at 7:30 and gave his sample and at 9 we went back and I had it inserted into me. Nothing like paying someone money to insert your husbands semen into you. Kind of ironic. I just hope that I actually ovulated since this was a month on a new medication that I do not know how I respond to. Only God can make life, so it is in His hands.

One of my new favorite songs is JJ Heller "His Hands". I love it...Here are the lyrics

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

God never leaves me, even when I am hurting and dealing with this battle. He is always there. This song is a reminder of that fact.

Thankfully I have had friends that have been there and willing to listen and not treat me as if I am odd. Or try to hid things and the list goes on. I love that God has given me these people in my life to help me through rough patches and I hope and pray that I can be that for them.

I will continue to try to open up again and feel comfortable on my own blog and share more things. Thanks for all the support. Here is to a relaxing week in FL.

Been Awhile....Merry Christmas

I just realized that it has been awhile since I last updated my blog. This month has been absolutely crazy and busy. I can't even tell you where the time went. Christmas time is crazy and it is hard to know where the time has gone.

For example, today was my day off and I had to take Landon to the ENT, where we had to wait for the doctor for 30mins for him to look in Landon's ears and say that he needs tubes again. That took a whole 2 minutes, but looks like we are going to have to put tubes in Landon's ears again and this time we are taking out his adenoids. It is a little more of a surgery then last time with the adenoids, which always scares you as a mother. He did so great the first time but this one is going to be harder on him then the last and that makes me hurt. I know that I went through the same thing as a child and don't really remember any of it, so I know it will hopefully only help him.

After we got done with the doctor we went to Walmart to buy stocking stuffers for Landon. I love that I can still shop with him this year because he doesn't really know that I am buying things for him, but next year we will have to get a baby sitter to shop. It is a part of life, the babies growing into adults, but a part of you wants them to stay young forever.

When we got home we played on his bouncer downstairs and hung out. Then it was time for his nap, which I have started to take part of with him. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE snuggling with him in his toddler bed for that little bit of time. He falls asleep much faster, it gives me snuggle time and I also get a small nap out of it. It has become a regular things for us and I can't help but cherish this time because there will be a time when he doesn't want me to snuggle with him.

That was just a regular day for us in this holiday season. We have spent a lot of time shopping and playing and enjoying our son. He is such a wonderful blessing from God and we hope to raise him to be a light in this world.

On the fertility front, we switched to Femara and on the low dose, I did not ovulate. So we did the progesterone on D30-35 and now just waiting on my "AF" (period), then the doctor decided to switch me back to Clomid. Welcome back mood swings.......But at least we know that Clomid does make me ovulate. We are doing one more cycle then planning to go up to KC to the RE and maybe do IUI (intrauterine insemination).

We were planning on getting me a secondary insurance but the quote was $250 per month, and that is for a reasonably healthy person whose only real problem is infertility. That is kind of sad, something is wrong with this system but I do know that socialized medicine is not the way to go either. We need to figure out something else out. So much for that idea.

The holiday season is another reason to reflect on what God did for us when He sent His son to Earth, what a wonderful blessing. I am thankful that I am saved and that Jesus was sent to Earth to die on the cross for my sins. He loves me, even when I do not deserve to be loved.

I hope and pray that everyone has a great Christmas. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ONE AND ALL.

Already 5 years married....where has the time gone??

This past weekend, Nate and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. It seems like yesterday I was walking down the aisle towards Nate. So much has happened in these past 5 years, some good and some bad but through all of it we have gotten stronger in our love and our relationship.

We were still young and naive about many things that life would present us, less jaded and more carefree. I say jaded, but that mainly seems to be my problem. My husband seems to be more easy going than me and that must be why we are such a good match. He has calmed me down and I have made him more organized. He is definitely my better half and I am his. God made us perfectly for each other, we still have our imperfections but with God with us we can make it through anything.

With all of our recent fertility struggles, I feel like we have grown towards each other and for that I am grateful. I know that there is a chance that I may still get pregnant with just the Femara or Clomid, but the struggle has definitely taken a toll on me. Mentally I have been through the depths of valley and have been continually learning my need to rely on God more and more.

I finally decided that I cannot do this alone and that I need to have backup and strength to help me fight this battle with less stress and more confidence. I recently went to a counselor, who is faith based counselor and I am working with her to help me learn ways to decrease my stress to hopefully help with our fertility. She is wonderful and has helped me release some of my resentment towards those who haven't been very supportive or sensitive to us while we have been on this journey. Instead of wishing ill will towards them, I am now working on praying and leaving it in God's capable hands to teach them empathy.

Don't get me wrong, we have had some wonderful friends who have been very sensitive to us and have been very open about what is going on in their lives and for that I am grateful. I just wish that everyone could be like that, but that is not how this world works. Satan is trying to find ways to make us fall and he will use anything he can, but I know that my God is stronger and will always win that fight.

I still need prayers but I know that I have some wonderful people in my corner and that makes this journey easier.

For our anniversary, Nate and I went to Chateau Avalon. I had heard many wonderful things about it, but was kind of disappointed for the price. I felt that for the $$ I could have done something else and gotten more out of it. Our room was very small and not at all what we had expected. The best thing about it was that it did give Nate and I some alone time to enjoy, so in that sense it was great. I was able to shop for myself without having a toddler racing in and out of the racks of clothing and laughing. I do admit that I missed that little giggling face but it is nice to shop and be able to look at what you are shopping for. Here is a picture of our room.

The bath was the best part of the room.

My parents watched Landon and when we got home Sunday morning, my dad had infiltrated my son and dressed him in all KU clothes. I do have to admit, he was adorable as always in his Jayhawk attire. Someday when he is old enough, he will have the choice over which Kansas team he will cheer for. I want it to be his choice, not mine for him.

Here he is......

Over Thanksgiving weekend, Nate decided to make french toast with Landon. Landon absolutely LOVED cooking with his Dad. It was adorable to watch. We even took video.

Until next time I leave you readers knowing that our God is an awesome God and He will provide us with what He knows is best for us, even if we don't understand His reasons.

Surprise Party! Now it's over I can come back to blogging.....

I am not very good at keeping secrets, so it was hard for me over the last two weeks not to talk about it. Especially when he was disappointed that I hadn't done anything for him the weekend before. But thanks to everyone who kept it a secret we were able to surprise him and it went off without a hitch.

Over the last two weeks, lots of stuff has happened as always. I do not know what to put in here because it has been two weeks. Landon has been getting better with speaking and it has been great. Speech Pathologist Cheri has been giving us helpful hints and the iPad has been helping also.

Here are some pictures of the past two weeks.

As this week begins, so begins another month of trying to have another child. We took last month off and finished taking progesterone to induce a cycle this month, so I will be starting Femara this week. I have always taken Clomid but have discussed with my doctor about seeing what would happen with the change. One of our friends who recently had her own little blessing after years of trying was on Femara, so maybe it will work for us too. I know that it is not just my part that has to work, Nate's does too so hopefully the next few months proves to be our time.

I know that God has a plan and I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that another child may not be in the cards for us. It does sadden me but at the same time, I know that God's plan is what is best for me and I need to live my life with that reflecting outwardly for others to see. I have found with time that and healing that when I see other pregnant women, I am not as saddened by it and I am starting to not focus on that. It is not perfect but it is getting closer, only with God's help.

To continue in the thankfulness that this month represents, I just want to thank my husband, my family and all of the my friends who have been very supportive of me throughout this struggle in my life. I know that some may have been hurt by me when I was in a bitter/angry stage of grieving and for that I am truly sorry. But I am very thankful to have supportive friends who will listen, not judge, and be there for me, even if they have not had to deal with the same struggles. Their unconditional support and love for me never ceases to amaze me. I hope that I can be that good of a friend to them also.

Until next time...