Back from Florida

After a week in Florida, I came back feeling very relaxed and with a wonderful glow. I always seem to forget how having a tan can make you feel and look during the winter. I love the tanned look, not enough to tan in a tanning booth though.

I was scared about the plane ride, but thanks to the iPad we had a very happy boy who watched Scooby Doo almost the whole plane right. He did not like the seat belts or the head phones, he did warm up to the head phones but not really to the seat belt.

Landon started off the week unsure of the water, the waves can be pretty scary to a 2 year old. The first day he avoided the water, but by the second day he walked up and down the beach and played in the water. He did not venture very far into the water but he did become more comfortably. I was very proud of him. Here are some of the pictures of our first few days there.

This picture is the first day, he hated the water

This was the second day, he warmed up to the water.


Wednesday we decided to go to Sea World since we were so close. Wednesday also happened to be the day that was cloudy, so it worked out pretty well. We started with the Whale show, a dolphin and sea lion show. Landon's attention span came and went, but for not having a nap he did exceptionally well. We did "bribe" him by buying him a shark and penguin to play with and make him happy, it worked very well. He entertained himself very well for the rest of the trip with those. Landon also got to pet a dragon lizard and touch a sting ray while there. He didn't like the sting rays at all, but he was okay with the lizard. New experiences.

The rest of the week went by really fast, as it seems all vacations do. On our last night we went to a shopping center that had an "alligator farm" in it and Landon loved the alligators and even got to pet one.

Landon did well the rest of the vacation, and come the last day he kept pointing at our house we stayed in saying "I stay, I stay here". It was adorable and sad at the same time, we wanted to stay also but needed to come home. He did even better on the plane trip home, which was a blessing.

This is a picture of the 2 families on the beach on our last day

Landon fell asleep on the plane ride home.


Saturday we came home and went to Grandma and Grandpa Kaberline's for Wanda's birthday dinner, Landon was very tired and he ended up burning his hand and running into a tree. Bad night but fun family time.

Sunday, we went to the circus which was fun and a good experience for Landon. I hope to go again next year. As we were walking up to buy our tickets for the circus, a nice lady came up to us and gave us 2 free tickets. It was such a blessing to get those tickets, and seemed to mean that we were meant to go to the circus.

Then monday came and I got the stomach flu, which was horrible and left me very weak. So I ended up having to call in on Tuesday because I was weak and still had some stomach cramps. I hadn't had the stomach flu since I was 14 weeks pregnant with Landon, do not know how I have gotten away with that but I will not complain.

The rest of the week has been a blur and here I am, updating the blog late at night and pouring out all our adventures. Hope everyone can keep up with the ramblings.

Time for vacation.....

We are heading to Florida for a week family vacation. Actually, Nate has a roofing expo but we get to go along. It will be great to get away. The only hiccup is that I have a horrible cold/cough that Landon shared. I am hoping to get better soon so I can enjoy this vacation. I love taking a vacation, but I always get stressed prior to leaving making sure that everything is in order. Thankfully Nate is getting better about helping in those preparations so hopefully I will get less stressed.

On Monday we went and had our first IUI. It was amazingly simple. Nate went at 7:30 and gave his sample and at 9 we went back and I had it inserted into me. Nothing like paying someone money to insert your husbands semen into you. Kind of ironic. I just hope that I actually ovulated since this was a month on a new medication that I do not know how I respond to. Only God can make life, so it is in His hands.

One of my new favorite songs is JJ Heller "His Hands". I love it...Here are the lyrics

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

God never leaves me, even when I am hurting and dealing with this battle. He is always there. This song is a reminder of that fact.

Thankfully I have had friends that have been there and willing to listen and not treat me as if I am odd. Or try to hid things and the list goes on. I love that God has given me these people in my life to help me through rough patches and I hope and pray that I can be that for them.

I will continue to try to open up again and feel comfortable on my own blog and share more things. Thanks for all the support. Here is to a relaxing week in FL.

Been Awhile....Merry Christmas

I just realized that it has been awhile since I last updated my blog. This month has been absolutely crazy and busy. I can't even tell you where the time went. Christmas time is crazy and it is hard to know where the time has gone.

For example, today was my day off and I had to take Landon to the ENT, where we had to wait for the doctor for 30mins for him to look in Landon's ears and say that he needs tubes again. That took a whole 2 minutes, but looks like we are going to have to put tubes in Landon's ears again and this time we are taking out his adenoids. It is a little more of a surgery then last time with the adenoids, which always scares you as a mother. He did so great the first time but this one is going to be harder on him then the last and that makes me hurt. I know that I went through the same thing as a child and don't really remember any of it, so I know it will hopefully only help him.

After we got done with the doctor we went to Walmart to buy stocking stuffers for Landon. I love that I can still shop with him this year because he doesn't really know that I am buying things for him, but next year we will have to get a baby sitter to shop. It is a part of life, the babies growing into adults, but a part of you wants them to stay young forever.

When we got home we played on his bouncer downstairs and hung out. Then it was time for his nap, which I have started to take part of with him. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE snuggling with him in his toddler bed for that little bit of time. He falls asleep much faster, it gives me snuggle time and I also get a small nap out of it. It has become a regular things for us and I can't help but cherish this time because there will be a time when he doesn't want me to snuggle with him.

That was just a regular day for us in this holiday season. We have spent a lot of time shopping and playing and enjoying our son. He is such a wonderful blessing from God and we hope to raise him to be a light in this world.

On the fertility front, we switched to Femara and on the low dose, I did not ovulate. So we did the progesterone on D30-35 and now just waiting on my "AF" (period), then the doctor decided to switch me back to Clomid. Welcome back mood swings.......But at least we know that Clomid does make me ovulate. We are doing one more cycle then planning to go up to KC to the RE and maybe do IUI (intrauterine insemination).

We were planning on getting me a secondary insurance but the quote was $250 per month, and that is for a reasonably healthy person whose only real problem is infertility. That is kind of sad, something is wrong with this system but I do know that socialized medicine is not the way to go either. We need to figure out something else out. So much for that idea.

The holiday season is another reason to reflect on what God did for us when He sent His son to Earth, what a wonderful blessing. I am thankful that I am saved and that Jesus was sent to Earth to die on the cross for my sins. He loves me, even when I do not deserve to be loved.

I hope and pray that everyone has a great Christmas. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ONE AND ALL.

Already 5 years married....where has the time gone??

This past weekend, Nate and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. It seems like yesterday I was walking down the aisle towards Nate. So much has happened in these past 5 years, some good and some bad but through all of it we have gotten stronger in our love and our relationship.

We were still young and naive about many things that life would present us, less jaded and more carefree. I say jaded, but that mainly seems to be my problem. My husband seems to be more easy going than me and that must be why we are such a good match. He has calmed me down and I have made him more organized. He is definitely my better half and I am his. God made us perfectly for each other, we still have our imperfections but with God with us we can make it through anything.

With all of our recent fertility struggles, I feel like we have grown towards each other and for that I am grateful. I know that there is a chance that I may still get pregnant with just the Femara or Clomid, but the struggle has definitely taken a toll on me. Mentally I have been through the depths of valley and have been continually learning my need to rely on God more and more.

I finally decided that I cannot do this alone and that I need to have backup and strength to help me fight this battle with less stress and more confidence. I recently went to a counselor, who is faith based counselor and I am working with her to help me learn ways to decrease my stress to hopefully help with our fertility. She is wonderful and has helped me release some of my resentment towards those who haven't been very supportive or sensitive to us while we have been on this journey. Instead of wishing ill will towards them, I am now working on praying and leaving it in God's capable hands to teach them empathy.

Don't get me wrong, we have had some wonderful friends who have been very sensitive to us and have been very open about what is going on in their lives and for that I am grateful. I just wish that everyone could be like that, but that is not how this world works. Satan is trying to find ways to make us fall and he will use anything he can, but I know that my God is stronger and will always win that fight.

I still need prayers but I know that I have some wonderful people in my corner and that makes this journey easier.

For our anniversary, Nate and I went to Chateau Avalon. I had heard many wonderful things about it, but was kind of disappointed for the price. I felt that for the $$ I could have done something else and gotten more out of it. Our room was very small and not at all what we had expected. The best thing about it was that it did give Nate and I some alone time to enjoy, so in that sense it was great. I was able to shop for myself without having a toddler racing in and out of the racks of clothing and laughing. I do admit that I missed that little giggling face but it is nice to shop and be able to look at what you are shopping for. Here is a picture of our room.

The bath was the best part of the room.

My parents watched Landon and when we got home Sunday morning, my dad had infiltrated my son and dressed him in all KU clothes. I do have to admit, he was adorable as always in his Jayhawk attire. Someday when he is old enough, he will have the choice over which Kansas team he will cheer for. I want it to be his choice, not mine for him.

Here he is......

Over Thanksgiving weekend, Nate decided to make french toast with Landon. Landon absolutely LOVED cooking with his Dad. It was adorable to watch. We even took video.

Until next time I leave you readers knowing that our God is an awesome God and He will provide us with what He knows is best for us, even if we don't understand His reasons.

Surprise Party! Now it's over I can come back to blogging.....

I am not very good at keeping secrets, so it was hard for me over the last two weeks not to talk about it. Especially when he was disappointed that I hadn't done anything for him the weekend before. But thanks to everyone who kept it a secret we were able to surprise him and it went off without a hitch.

Over the last two weeks, lots of stuff has happened as always. I do not know what to put in here because it has been two weeks. Landon has been getting better with speaking and it has been great. Speech Pathologist Cheri has been giving us helpful hints and the iPad has been helping also.

Here are some pictures of the past two weeks.

As this week begins, so begins another month of trying to have another child. We took last month off and finished taking progesterone to induce a cycle this month, so I will be starting Femara this week. I have always taken Clomid but have discussed with my doctor about seeing what would happen with the change. One of our friends who recently had her own little blessing after years of trying was on Femara, so maybe it will work for us too. I know that it is not just my part that has to work, Nate's does too so hopefully the next few months proves to be our time.

I know that God has a plan and I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that another child may not be in the cards for us. It does sadden me but at the same time, I know that God's plan is what is best for me and I need to live my life with that reflecting outwardly for others to see. I have found with time that and healing that when I see other pregnant women, I am not as saddened by it and I am starting to not focus on that. It is not perfect but it is getting closer, only with God's help.

To continue in the thankfulness that this month represents, I just want to thank my husband, my family and all of the my friends who have been very supportive of me throughout this struggle in my life. I know that some may have been hurt by me when I was in a bitter/angry stage of grieving and for that I am truly sorry. But I am very thankful to have supportive friends who will listen, not judge, and be there for me, even if they have not had to deal with the same struggles. Their unconditional support and love for me never ceases to amaze me. I hope that I can be that good of a friend to them also.

Until next time...

Thankfulness.....

As we saw October end and November begin, it is time to think about what this month is about Thanksgiving. Sometimes it is hard to remember to be thankful for things in our lives when there is something not going our way.

I have many things to be thankful for and am going to list some of them.

1) God and His love
2) My husband
3) Landon
4) My Parents
5) My In-Laws
6) My house
7) My Aunts and Uncles
8) Family
9) My Health
10) My families health
11) Friends
12) My job that I love
13) People that I work with
14) My sight
15) My hearing
16) My sense of smell
17) Being pain free
18) The beauty of the changing seasons (even though I complain about cold)
19) That I am able to get pregnant, and have been able to experience it
20) Vehicles that work

The last week has been FULL of fun activities for Landon as it was Halloween. Last year Landon did not really understand the idea of trick or treating, but this year he absolutely LOVED it. Most of the time he would go up to a porch and say "The Doo" instead of trick or treat because he loved being dressed as Scooby Doo.

We also made it to Boo at the Zoo on Saturday, along with the Collins Park Parade with our friend the Toomeys. By the end of those two things, Landon was POOPED. I think we had multiple melt downs. Here are some pictures of our Scooby

The last one was one of the melt downs in the Fire Truck following the parade.

Most of all, I am thankful that I am able to experience these milestones and events with my son. God has me on this planet for a reason and I am thankful for every minute of it. I hope to have many more years to come to watch him grow and show him God's love.

Until next time....

Start of Trick or Treating

This weekend was the start of our Trick or Treating this year. My plan was to re-use Landon's costume from last year, which was a Cowboy/Sheriff. On Saturday I decided to try it on Landon, he kept trying to take it off and broke down in tears. He would not stop crying.

I tried the costume again in the morning but got the same response. He kept saying "Dooo, Dooo". I finally realized that he must remember the Scooby Doo costume from Walmart, didn't realize a 2 yr old could remember that. So Sunday morning we went to Walmart and bought him the Scooby Doo costume. He smiled and seemed pleased.

He still wasn't the biggest fan of it until we got to Trunk or Treat at TBC Sunday night. He kept on his costume, even the hat, which is unusual for him. He went around the circle and even said "Trick or Treat" and "Thank You". He was very protective over his candy this year and would yell "NOOOOO" when I reached in to get him a piece of candy. It was actually pretty funny.

Here are some pictures of our adorable Scooby Doo......

We have been having a speech pathologist from TARC come out for the past few months to help Landon with his enunciation. Cheri is our s.p.'s name and she does a very good job with him. Landon's biggest problem being understood is that he starts words with vowels. Cheri advised us that M, P, and B are the foundation of when kids start talking. Landon can say Baby, Papa, Mamma, Dad, Nana and more words but when he tries to say Moo he states Boo. Cheri thinks it may be because he is trying to talk too fast. He is making progress and Cheri states that the best thing to do is Practice, Practice, Practice.

Cheri also tests his ears with a piece of equipment that the ENT used, but all it says is "refer" or "pass". Landon's left ear states "pass" but his right ear has stated "refer" twice now. If there is one thing that I do not want to do is pay for him to get tubes again, but if we have to, we have to.

On the pregnancy front, we are still in the holding pattern until next month (november). Dr. Gleason stated that he would do a pregnancy test on me at the beginning of the month and if it was negative he would start me on Provera to induce a cycle and then he would switch me to Femara. I am excited to start trying again since Nate's issue seems to be resolved. When we went and saw Dr. Chen last week, he stated that he had seen a jump in counts but never as big of a jump as Nate had. God definitely answered those prayers.

As we continue to on this journey I need prayers that I can be content with what God has given us and that we would still be content if our prayers to expand our family are not answered how we want them to be. God has a plan and I need to lean more on Him for peace and understanding. I think it is natural as part of our old sin nature to want to know the plan and to know it now. I pray that the nature would go away and that I could let God's plan play out and be happy for everyone else who is pregnant.

I had better go and enjoy the last of the beautiful days we are having until the cold sets in and stays.......